Coming Back to Yourself · Part Three of Six · A guest series by Shannon Yerxa
Somewhere in my 30s, friendship became a numbers game without me even noticing.
How many people liked my posts. How many group chats I was in. Whether I got invited to the thing, even the thing I didn't actually want to go to.
It took me a long time to realize I was measuring the wrong thing entirely.
What I Thought Friendship Was Supposed to Look Like
For years, I thought a full life meant a full circle. Lots of people. Lots of plans. Never a quiet weekend.
So I kept friendships going that had nothing left in them but habit. I said yes to things I didn't want to do, because saying no felt like admitting the friendship wasn't working anymore, and I didn't want that to be true.
Then I'd feel the pull to pull away instead, and the cycle would start again. Distance, guilt, a reappearance with an excuse, and back to pretending nothing had shifted.
None of it was honest. And I think, somewhere underneath it, I knew that.
The Trio That Never Needed Fixing
The three of us who go back to my late teens are still exactly that: a trio, with a group chat name that makes no sense to anyone outside it.
Some weeks it's silent. Some weeks it's constant. And neither version means anything is wrong.
A real friendship doesn't need daily proof that it's still real. It just needs to be true when you come back to it.
The Friendships That Found Me When I Wasn't Trying
The two women I met through my kids' school, Andrea and Kelly, weren't the result of forcing anything. They just happened, in the middle of drop-offs and pickups and everything else, because something honest was already there.
And then there's the kind of friendship nobody warns you about: the one you find at work. Not the workmates. Not the polite acquaintances you get coffee with once and never again. The one you didn't see coming.
There's twenty years between us, and somehow that's never once mattered. It's not about shared reference points or being at the same stage of life. It's something quieter than that. Souls that match. Energy that matches. The kind of feeling like you've known each other before, somewhere outside of this lifetime.
Nothing about it was forced. It just happened, the way the real ones always seem to.
And more recently, the friendships that feel easiest are the ones that came from doing things I actually chose. Hobbies. Spaces where I was already being myself, instead of performing a version of myself I thought people wanted.
There's a pattern there I didn't see until I really looked at it: the friendships that lasted were never the ones I worked hardest to keep.
What I Actually Want Now
I don't want a big circle anymore. I don't feel the pull to be everywhere or included in everything.
What I want is depth.
Women who feel grounded. Who are honest, even when it's inconvenient. Who let me disappear for a while without needing an excuse when I come back.
Friendship in your 40s isn't about how many people show up. It's about who you can be fully honest with, including about the weeks you go quiet.
If your circle has gotten smaller lately, that's not a loss. That might just be your version of the real thing, finally.
A small postscript from Andrea: I'm one of the two women Shannon met at school pickup, so I'll keep this brief. If you're thinking about the friendships in your own life, rhodonite is worth having close — a stone for compassionate connection, and for making peace with the old wounds in a friendship without losing yourself in the process. Rose quartz pairs well with it, for keeping your heart open to the ones worth keeping. Heart Chakra jewelry is a good place to find something for the friend who stayed, or the one you just met.
Not sure which stone fits the chapter you're in? The Gemstone Quiz takes about 60 seconds.
Coming Back to Yourself: the series
- This Isn't About Finding Yourself. It's About Coming Back.
- Outgrowing Yourself Without Guilt
- Friendship in Your 40s, the Real Kind (you're here)
- Learning to Be Alone Without It Feeling Heavy (coming November 7)
- Boundaries, Confidence, and Choosing Peace (coming November 28)
- What Actually Matters Now (coming December 19)
This series is part of something we're building together — a space for women to feel safer online. If that resonates, you can learn more about Run It By a Friend First here. And if you want the why behind it — the whole honest story of the chapter that made us build it — Andrea tells it here.
