Coming Back to Yourself · Part Two of Six · A guest series by Shannon Yerxa
I used to think growth was supposed to feel like an upgrade.
Like you'd wake up one day, better than before, and everyone would just... clap.
Nobody tells you that outgrowing a version of yourself usually feels like grief first.
The Version I Used to Be
There was a version of me who put everyone ahead of herself. My family first, always. Then everyone else. Me, somewhere at the bottom of the list, if I got there at all.
And here's the part I'm not proud of: I wasn't even good at saying yes. I was good at avoiding.
A text would come in, an ask, an invite, something that needed a response I didn't have the energy to give, and I'd just... not answer. Let it sit. Let the person sit. Not because I didn't care, but because saying "I can't" felt like a door I wasn't allowed to close.
Then, days later, I'd resurface with a sorry and some excuse. Anything but the truth, which was just: I didn't have it in me, and I didn't know how to say that without feeling like I'd failed someone.
It was easier to disappear for a while than to disappoint someone to their face.
She wasn't wrong to be that way. She got me through a lot.
But somewhere in my 40s, she started to feel like a coat I'd outgrown. Still familiar. Still technically mine. Just... tight in places it never used to be.
And letting go of her didn't feel triumphant. It felt like quietly disappointing people who liked her better than the person I'm becoming.
Nobody Warns You About the Guilt
Here's the part nobody tells you: outgrowing a version of yourself can make you feel guilty, even when it's the healthiest thing you've ever done.
Guilty for wanting less noise in your life.
Guilty for not being as available as you used to be.
Guilty for realizing a role you played for years, the fixer, the peacekeeper, the one who shows up no matter what, wasn't actually who you are. It was just who you learned to be.
Guilty for the messages I let sit too long, because a late "sorry, I've just been..." was still easier than an honest "I can't right now."
That guilt isn't a sign you're doing something wrong. It's just the sound of change happening in real time.
Growth Doesn't Ask for Permission
I used to think I had to explain myself. That if I was going to stop showing up a certain way, I owed everyone a reason.
I don't think that anymore.
You don't need permission to become someone your old self wouldn't recognize.
Some people will understand. Some won't. Some will miss the version of you that made room for everyone else, and that's allowed to be true without it meaning you're doing something wrong.
What I'm Learning to Let Go Of
Not everything I'm outgrowing was bad. Some of it was just... finished.
- The need to be everything to everyone
- Friendships kept alive out of habit instead of honesty
- The idea that being "easygoing" meant never having needs of my own
- Waiting for someone else to notice I'd changed before I let myself believe it
None of that gets a dramatic goodbye. Most days it's quieter than that. It's just choosing, again and again, not to shrink back into who I used to be because it's familiar.
If you're in the middle of outgrowing something, a role, a habit, a version of yourself that used to fit, you're not doing it wrong. You're just doing it.
A small postscript from Andrea: if you're looking for something to hold onto while you let go, smoky quartz is the one I'd hand you. It's a release stone — grounding you while an old version of yourself falls away. Selenite works well alongside it, clearing the space so something new has room to settle. Stones for this kind of letting go live in Transformation & Release jewelry, if you'd like something to wear while you do this.
Not sure which animal guide fits the chapter you're in? The Spirit Animal Quiz takes about 60 seconds.
Coming Back to Yourself: the series
- This Isn't About Finding Yourself. It's About Coming Back.
- Outgrowing Yourself Without Guilt (you're here)
- Friendship in Your 40s, the Real Kind
- Learning to Be Alone Without It Feeling Heavy (next in the series)
- Boundaries, Confidence, and Choosing Peace
- What Actually Matters Now
This series is part of something we're building together — a space for women to feel safer online. If that resonates, you can learn more about Run It By a Friend First here. And if you want the why behind it — the whole honest story of the chapter that made us build it — Andrea tells it here.
